people/musings

Summer is funner. Yes, I know, funner is not a word, but that’s still an axiom I’ve subscribed to my whole life. And because I am someone who sincerely believes that expectation determines experience, the idea that May-August, 25+ temperature weather will always be more enjoyable than a Canadian winter is something I’ve always believed in, and it always ends up being true. But for those of you my age who aren’t so sure, here are a few tips to help you set your summer up to be the best it can be. 

1. Not Everyone Is Looking for Romance

Do not assume that because someone asks you out for drinks, or texts you more than twice in one day, Likes one of your Facebook photos or uses a wink emoticon in an @reply to you on Twitter, that they’re in to you. I’m not sure whether men or women are more guilty of this tendency—it’s actually probably 50/50—but either way, stop it. Some people are just extra kind; happy and in the market for pleasant people to spend time with. Not everybody is after you, so no need to flee. Don’t spoil a burgeoning friendship because you can’t get your ego in check. 

2. You Can Never Take Enough Photos and Video

Really, you can’t, unless you actually run out space on your iPhone, DSLR, or whatever you use to capture life’s precious moments, which, by the way, are exactly that: cherished and brief. This fact is what makes photos, Instagrammed or not, and videos, uploaded to YouTube or kept private, such valuable, treasured reminders of the richness of friends and family that we have in our lives, not only in the good times, but also in the bad. 

3. Barbeque More

Everyone should know how to barbeque—well. You should feel comfortable cooking chunky slabs of meat on an unjustifiably expensive cooking machine, on a back porch, as your friends stand around, beer-in-hands, commenting, “Ahh yeah, those are looking good.” The skill is integral to being a good father, husband or well-rounded young bachelor. It’s also, for men and women, the easiest way to quickly put five or more close friends or acquaintances in debt to you. Hamburgers and hotdogs are inexpensive; same with the necessary beverages, whether they’re alcoholic or not. That and the fact that your guests will most likely feel obligated to bring something over—most will opt for 12-packs and Lays chips—make barbeques among the favourites in the hierarchy of options for summer social gatherings. 

4. Summer Is Not an Excuse To Sacrifice Sleep

For most people, the summer automatically leads to an increased number of late nights, but not necessarily a corresponding increase in time spent sleeping in. Most of us still work all summer, which means that a lack of ZZZs becomes all too common. Sleep is important people. No, seriously, don’t skimp on it. Sleep deprivation negatively affects learning and memory, your metabolism and your health. What’s worse is that not enough sleep will affect your mood, stimulate irritability and potentially lead to impatience, and ultimately, deprive you of enjoying the time that you are awake to the highest degree possible. 

5. Ban Drama and/or its Perpetrators

Everyone has friends—though they shouldn’t necessarily be referred to as such—that thrive on drama. These people are trouble, and as such, should be avoided at (almost) all costs. At the start of the summer, you and your group of closest pals should establish a rule, or an agreement, that formalizes your distaste for people who fuel avoidable provocation. And those who disregard the group’s creed should no longer be granted invites to your outings. 

6. Get a Food Mate

Pick a friend—not necessarily your best friend, but at least a very good one—and have them commit to being your Food Mate. Your FM is someone you get dinner or lunch with every two weeks, but you take turns paying for each other. The first time you’ll pay for him or her; the next time your friend pays; then you pay; and so on. There’s great pleasure in taking someone out, and not just because the favour is going to be returned. Research has, in fact, shown that we get more pleasure out of spending money on others than we do on ourselves. This is the perfect way to test that hypothesis yourself. 

7. Eat Somewhere New At Least Twice A Month

I seriously think that your social rank within your circle of friends is in part determined by your ability to recommend new (and good) places to eat. Being able to provide recommendations of the best restaurants and pubs in your city is similar to knowing gossipy secrets, but in a good way. We love those who have the power to enlighten us, no matter what the subject. Be the food gossiper and people will count on you to fill them in on what’s new, what’s good. Of course, in order to get to this state, you must first eat at new and good places. Your FM can help you with this. Pick two days of the month, like the second Tuesday and the last Wednesday, and block these evenings off in your calendar so you don’t forget. Use services like UrbanSpoon and Foursquare’s Explore function to help you pick and choose what’s next. 

8. Get Over It

Just let it go; whatever it is. It’s time to hit the reset button on any and all feelings of resentment that you’ve been holding against people in your life—colleagues, ex-boy/girlfriends, lost friends or whoever. Plain and simple, in order grab life by the horns, you have to let go of that grudge.

Out of all the extended weekends we Canadians are afforded annually, the May long weekend is surely the most satisfying. Once we’ve made it to just over a third of the way through a year, it’s time for a break. And I’m pretty sure there’s no better way to celebrate Victoria Day, the Queen’s birthday, than by leaving the country—*smirks*

Traveling is a necessary part of life, but not just because of the awesome things you can do when you’re gone. What’s most important is how differently you may perceive the world that you’re so used to when you get back. Jonah Lehrer puts it like this: “When we get home, home is still the same. But something in our mind has changed, and that changes everything.”

When we travel to places we’ve never been before, and we see things we’ve never seen, eat new things, and experience new people, we’re expanding the limits of our imagination. (And yes, there are limits to imagination. If you told a three-year old that has never heard of or seen Times Square to imagine it, they would respond, “What’s a timesquare?”) Moreover, traveling exercises your mind. “Travel makes the world look new, and when the world looks new, our brain works harder,” says A. Kleon, who I love to quote.

This past weekend I made my way to New York City—solo. Because when you’re by yourself you perceive much more of your environment. When you’re with friends you’re focusing on one another and arguing about where to go next. When you’re by yourself, you can just wander. You can take everything in; all the sounds, sights and scenes. You have no one specific to give your attention to, so the city consumes it with its alluring ambience.

Now here I am, back in Ottawa, Canada. And life is good, but is it enough? I feel like I need to explore. I need to do more. And I need to see more and feel more. I’ve always believed in the idea that experiences are far more valuable than things, at least in terms of what produces happiness. There’s also a plethora of research to back that notion up. I also have all the anecdotal evidence in the world, including this recent expedition to the city that never sleeps. I need to get to work structuring my surroundings so that they are conducive to happy and meaningful experiences. And that will conclude my prelude to summer.

You all have some relation to the type of person that I’m going to talk about here. Every workplace, every group of friends and every family has them. These people must comment on everything. Not on the news, events, issues or controversial topics though. Just on everything that you’re doing—how you work, how you’re cooking, how you clean, how you sweep, how you sleep. (Okay maybe not that last one, but you get what I’m saying.) They must offer up a suggestion or an opinion at every possible opportunity or interval – especially when least warranted – on how you could improve what you are doing or how they learned how it should be done. They are not, however, a know-it-all.

They are a ‘know-it-now’. The distinction is this: a know-it-all seeks to make us all aware of the exceedingly impressive (or obnoxious) amount of knowledge they have about geography, Socialism, the history of pizza, Brazilian soccer, derivatives… everything. A ‘know-it-now’ is not substantively well-informed about any great number of things, except of course, whatever you’re doing, right now. It’s as if scientists have put the genes of an engineer, an accountant, a mechanic, an M.B.A and Steve Jobs into one person. These people were taught a better method; they can show you a more efficient process for completion of a task; or they just simply know another way something could be done. Or so they say.

Although this unfortunate habit is rarely apparent to these know-it-nows, it does not render the very real problem with their tendencies any less significant—for what they do becomes more of a problem for them than anyone else. These individuals are so prone to offering unwanted recommendations and unsolicited advice that their colleagues, family members, friends, and all the other people on the receiving end, begin to disregard their input entirely. This becomes a greater issue for everyone involved when these individuals are being ignored in situations where their perspective or point-of-view would be of value.

I call what they do ‘crying wolf with unsolicited advice’ because of its net effect. When you lie enough, people begin to stop believing you even when you’re telling the truth. In the same way, the result of frequently offering a comment or advice when it’s not necessary or asked for—and especially if it’s trivial—will be those around you no longer considering what you have to say seriously or outright ignoring you. This is not beneficial to anyone involved.

So the next time you’re about to comment or criticize, ask yourself if what you’re about to say is of solid value and will hit the recipient like a ton of bricks. The alternative is having what you have to say – insightful or not – regarded as fluff.

As a young teenager, you probably weren’t that doubtful when told by both your parents and teachers that getting an education would probably lead to a longer and healthier life. But you may have been skeptical had they said that learning leads to happiness. After all, your teachers didn’t seem happy, and they had meta-educations; and you weren’t necessarily happy at school. So how could learning lead to happiness?

The idea that education is an antecedent to a more enjoyable life is not new. A good friend recently forwarded me an article from U.S. News and World Report titled “Why Learning Leads to Happiness.” In it, the reporter, Philip Moeller, makes some good points, talks to the right experts and cites some interesting research on the topic; he has me intrigued, but far from convinced. Let me explain.

Moeller opens with this:

Your mind may be the closest thing to the Holy Grail of longevity and happiness. Education has been widely documented by researchers as the single variable tied most directly to improved health and longevity. And when people are intensely engaged in doing and learning new things, their well-being and happiness can blossom.

He then goes on to cite research from the National Bureau of Economic Research showing an increase in life-expectancy tied to highschool and college graduation. He adds that researchers, including Laura Carstensen, director of the Stanford Center on Longevity, argue that individuals with more education “tend to have better problem-solving skills and the tools to help themselves” and they “enhance their health and survival odds by making well-informed lifestyle decisions.” Lastly, he refers to research from Harvard tying high-school attendance with superior cognitive function later in life. Indeed, there’s no shortage of data that suggests a correlation between education and healthier, productive lives. However, there seems to be scarce empirical evidence to show that learning directly leads to happiness.

I see the points that Moeller and many researchers put forth. People with more education tend to make better decisions that result in positive outcomes which in turn lead to personal satisfaction—or happiness. People with more education are more likely to have the skills necessary to work on and complete challenging activities that could include anything from games of chess, rock climbing, planning an event or engaging in debate. To be intensely engaged and absorbed in a task while remaining enthusiastic and happy is known as “flow,” a concept coined by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. According to his research, flow leads to improvements in brain chemistry and other health benefits, as well as other positive, cognitive externalities including mental well-being in old age.

The problem, of course, with attempting to tie education, engagement and happiness together is that you can’t define happiness. And it’s not necessarily correct to associate longevity and fulfillment with enjoyment. You can live long without being happy. You can be heavily engaged in an activity – such as playing a saxophone passionately and beautifully, for example – but still be in a state of despair. This is my biggest qualm with any article or piece of research that tries to pin-point the causes of happiness. Happiness can be momentary, long-term, mere satisfaction or fulfilment, and that muddles any solid idea of it.

Whatever happiness is, I guess we can say that more education potentially leads to it. But not necessarily. After all, I have a B.A. in political science. I am a very happy person. But you have to question whether or not my schooling has anything to do with it given that the friends I have completing graduate degrees are the most miserable people I know.

A Note on Why You May Need To Make Some New Friends

Reality vs. Possibility

If you are unhappy with the way things are, it’s expected that you will try to change things. If we can imagine a better way to do something, and we are truly invested in our idea, we’ll take the necessary steps to see it come to life. This is where innovation comes from. When it comes to the realms of digital technology, engineering, healthcare and design, I think we can all agree that there is no shortage of innovation in our society. Clearly, there are many amazing people in the world today who are dissatisfied with the status quo and are determined to push society forward.

“Progress is not created by contented people.” – Frank Tyger

So what makes people discontented? It’s usually a discrepancy (real or perceived) between what is and what they know could be. Alexander Bell invented the telephone seeing that there was a better way for us to communicate. Henry Ford created the Model T as basically the first affordable automobile. Steve Jobs created iPods because he saw no reason why MP3 players couldn’t be solidly functioning and aesthetically pleasing. You could say that the discrepancy that these men saw between reality and possibility was the result of specific knowledge, and therefore, distinct perspectives. They had visions shaped by unique experiences that most people lacked. Their visions both allowed and stimulated them to push forward.

On a personal level, I’ve come to the realization that we can become better people by recognizing the discrepancies between who we are and who we could be. How do we do this, you ask? It’s pretty simple: We must spend more time with the right kind of people. Now you’re probably wondering who that might be, and to help you figure that out, I’ve gathered some tips – to which I’ve added my own layer of advice – from a couple of people who I wish I could spend some time with.

Why Your Friends Are Overrated

Last year, speaker, author and blogger Julien Smith wrote a blog post called The Short and Sweet Guide to Being Fucking Awesome. The post is exactly what the title says it is—a guide to being awesome. I’d like to mention a few keys points he makes. First, he makes the point that how you judge whether or not you are awesome is totally subjective. Second, he makes the point that your friends might not be the best judges of whether or not you are awesome. And perhaps the most important thing he says in the entire post is this:

“If you are already awesome to everyone in your world, then your world needs to get bigger.”

I couldn’t agree more with this. And while Julien explains why making your world bigger is better, he does not explain in detail his thoughts as to why there’s anything wrong with your world staying the way it is. I think there are plenty of things wrong with keeping yourself surrounded with people who you know well and who think you’re great. If everyone you know thinks you are awesome, you’re not making a big enough impact wherever you are – social or professional circles – to make a difference.

“If everybody likes what you are doing, you’re doing it wrong.” – Jen Bekman

You’re stuck. You’re lingering. And nowadays, not moving forward is equivalent to moving backwards. When you stay comfortable in your close-knit sphere of friends, you do so at your own peril. When you stay fixed in a social safe zone, you’re not working on perhaps the most important skill you need in life: the ability to build and cultivate relationships from scratch. Face it, when you’re with your friends, you operate at your lowest common denominator. You have no one to impress; no need to practice situational awareness; there’s no genuine curiosity of thought; and no accountability (as in, you can be a jackass to your friends and get away with it).

The complete opposite is true when we venture into unknown public territory such as a random party or when we’re volunteering somewhere new. In these situations, we must try to put our best foot forward. We generally aim to make a good impression. Based on conversations, temperament and our idiosyncrasies, in social settings, we assess each other’s personalities and carefully, even if unconsciously, assign one another relative degrees of social status. (We all know this is happening.) In situations like these when we’re getting to know people, we must work for attention and respect; therefore, we must communicate more effectively. If nobody knows who you are, you have to let them know, right? That’s done through words and actions. You have to show new people why you’re great, and the more you put yourself into these situations, the better you’ll become at doing that.

Learning to Network, Networking to Learn

“If you ever find that you’re the most talented person in the room, you need to find another room.” – Austin Kleon

That phrase comes from a chapter in Austin Kleon’s book, Steal Like An Artist. In a short chapter called Stand Next To The Talent, he stresses that “You’re only going to be as good as the people you surround yourself with.” In other words, the people who occupy your time will have an impact on you.

Every time I see or interact with a prominent speaker, writer or accomplished professional, I become instantly motivated to do more, and to do better. Such was the case back in 2009 when I first heard Julien Smith speak at an Ottawa Third Tuesday event, when I recently saw Adam Gopnik give a public lecture, and when I chat with the president of the organization that I work for. I know you know what I mean. There are just some people who motivate us by simply living their lives.

The people you surround yourself with have a big impact on how you behave, what you’re doing, the social skills you’re exercising, etc. I have to admit though, the examples I used above are bad because those individuals are all much older than me. It’s actually unfair (and unrealistic) for me to even compare myself to them. As Julien Smith (who is 30-something) has written in another post:

What you need are people that are close enough to your level, in age, intelligence, and resources, but who have done much more with them. When I remember that Gary Vaynerchuk is only 35, for example, now that makes me feel like garbage. When Mitch gets more speaking engagements than I do, same thing. When Greg is flying to New York (again) to meet high-up VCs to get his company sold, and I suddenly remember that he’s fucking 23 years old, that makes me feel like garbage. So find people like this. Buy them lunch if you have to, whatever it takes.

In my opinion, everything doesn’t have to be all business all the time. But, it never hurts to diversify your intake of ideas and viewpoints. Simply put, spending time with people you actually aspire to be like will help you establish the discrepancy between who you are vs. who you could be (otherwise known as the version of yourself that you could never have even imagined yet).